Comedy

I love comedy and this thread is for those that like comedy and would like to share some of their favorite comedic routines and/or favorite comedians.

Here's one of my current favorites, Bill Burr.
This is from his blog on myspace

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseac...56-4566a16841a1

and a crowd in Philly started booing him. He retaliated, and how! It was awesome. It's on youtube and if I find it again I'll post it soon. This is what he had to say about the incident:

City of Brotherly Love

"Over the past two months I..ve gotten about 5 thousand e mails asking me ..What the fuck happened in Philly?.. ..Why were those people booing?.. ..Did you just come out on stage like that, or did they fuck with your first?.. So I..ve decided to answer every fucking question with the longest blog in my space history.

To be honest, I don..t really remember much of the set. All I know, is that when it was over, I had a headache, and I felt like I had just gotten into an argument with a relative.

The weirdest thing about that whole episode, was that my brain got locked in ..Go Fuck Yourself.. mode. I couldn..t shut it off.
For the next three days, I was walking around New York, muttering insulting shit about Philadelphia, as if I was still on stage..

..RON JAWORSKI, THAT STUPID FAT-FACED POLACK. HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO THROW IT TO ROD MARTIN BEFORE YOU REALIZE HE..S ON THE OTHER TEAM? ..HEY COACH, HE KEEPS RUNNING THE WRONG WAY......

THREE DAYS I walked around New York doing that. I really felt like I was going crazy. I was still pissed at that fuckin.. crowd and I couldn..t stop arguing with them in my head. I was telling a friend of mine that I felt like I needed some sort of comedy healing. That if I could go on stage in front of 12 old people, with some easy listening music in the background, maybe I could get my brain to stop envisioning caning an entire amphitheater with a mic stand. I literally wanted to saw down the roof of that fuckin.. place and have it land on the crowd.


I should have known something was going to happen. The day was too perfect. I was driving down to Philadelphia with Robert Kelly. We were having a great time, doing what all comics do when they ride to gigs. We were breaking each other..s balls, telling pussy stories, and trashing every comic and club owner in the business.

As I recall, it was a beautiful day.

RED FLAG ..1: Tragedy always happens on a beautiful day. It..s like the universe is balancing itself. If you ever get a blowjob on a sunny day, don..t leave your house, because you are going to get run over by an ice cream truck. It..s just how the world works. Some negative would have to come along to offset the warm breeze and that beautiful ..light as air.. feeling in your nuts.

..THE FUCKIN.. 76ERS, WHO DO YOU HAVE ON THAT TEAM? ALLEN IVERSON? THE REST OF THE TEAM IS JUST LIKE THIS CROWD. A BUNCH OF FUCKIN.. NOBODIES GOING NOWHERE IN LIFE..GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I WISH YOU ALL COLLECTIVE ASS CANCER...

Anyway, I was in a stupid mood and was really looking forward to performing in front of a crowd of 10,000 people.

RED FLAG ..2: To be looking forward to a gig with thoughts of ..This is going to be awesome,.. That thought is the stand up equivalent of stating, ..My car has been running GREAT!..

So we pull into the Tweeter Center and immediately gaze upon a sea of White dudes, most with shaved heads, grilling and drinking. If it weren..t for all the Eagles jerseys, I would have thought we were at a White Power rally. I..m sure there were a lot of decent people mixed in with the degenerates, but everywhere I looked I thought I was seeing that fat dude, singing in the van, from American History X ..THE WHITE MAN, MARCHES ON!!!..

You could tell by their sunburns, that a good portion of the crowd had already been drinking for at least two to three hours. I forget exactly what Robert said at that moment. All I know is he said ..Dude.. and ..What the Fuck..about 63 times.

So we got backstage and everything was cool. I talked to some fans, ate some food and avoided the strippers. Almost every comic I ran into would first say, ..What..s up,.. and then in concerned tone would then go, ..Did you see those fuckin.. people out there?.. Another person, who will remain nameless, was peaking through the curtain, looking at the crowd while muttering, ..Animals..Bunch of fuckin.. animals...

Despite this, I still wasn..t thinking that it was going to be a bad crowd. Every show on the tour had been great so far, and the crowds had had their fair share of booze. So why would this one be any different?

THIS PIECE OF SHIT, WHITE TRASH TOWN. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYBODY WHITE FROM PHILADELPHIA EVER ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING? ALL THE SUCCESS STORIES ARE BLACK. JOE FRAISER, WILL SMITH, THE ROOTS, ERYKAH BADU. PHILADELPHIA IS LIKE A BIG DUMPING GROUND FOR FAILED WHITE PEOPLE. YOU SHOULD ALL GO HOME AND HANG YOURSELVES BY YOUR WALLET CHAINS. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN LOSERS

The show started about an hour later. Rich Vos was out on stage MC-ing and he was doing fine. Then he brought the first comic up. This poor bastard never had a chance.

The first spot on a comedy show is affectionately referred to as, ..Falling on the grenade.. or ..Taking the Beach... Both of those expressions have a military connotation, which on this night, turned out to be appropriate. Cause if you secretly edited the first guys set into the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, not even Speilberg would have noticed.

No one in the crowd knew this comic from the O &A show, so after about two minutes, the crowd began to boo. It started at the back, and then got louder and louder and LOUDER. Another two minutes went by and the boos had turned into chants of ass-HOLE, ass-HOLE, ASS-HOLE. It would be one thing if the guy stunk, but he..s a really funny dude, who ALWAYS does great.
So seeing him get boo..d was the first sign that the night was going to suck.

After his set, the Private came back stage and looked liked he had just watched some bitch crawl out of a well and come through his TV set. At that point, I looked down at my watch and realized that this crowd was going to be drinking, and doing God knows what else, for another 3 hours before I even hit the stage.

Couple more comics went out, did their thing and had good sets. But even they were coming backstage going, ..There..s some people up on the grass that are booing. Just ignore them and plow through your shit... It all had a very Platoon like vibe. ..CHARLIE AIN..T STOPPIN.. FOR NOTHIN.. MAN!..

So I..m back stage waiting and waiting and waiting, while the crowd was drinking and drinking and drinking. I was hoping they were going to get tired and with any luck pass out. That never happened. They just got louder and angrier. Which to be honest with you, was starting to make me angry.

I was thinking, ..What the fuck is wrong with these people? We came down here to give them a show and their treating everyone like shit. What a bunch.. Oh wait that..s right. We..re in Philly...


..AND FUCK THE FUCKIN.. FLYERS. MY FAVORITE FLYER OF ALL TIME IS ERIC LINDROS. I HEARD HE USED TO FUCK BOBBY CLARKE IN THE MOUTH BEFORE EVERY HOME GAME. THAT..S WHY BOBBY..S MISSING ALL THOSE FRONT TEETH..FUCK YOU, WIN A CUP....

So basically by the time Opie and Anthony were going to bring me up, I had witnessed a small group of assholes become an unruly mob, that was literally dictating the direction of the show. They had completely taken over and had just got done booing one of my favorite comics of all time off the stage, who was FROM THEIR FUCKING TOWN!

And as I was standing behind the curtain, waiting to go out, I suddenly realized that I wasn..t even nervous. Which brings us to...

RED FLAG ..3 .. Being in a high-pressured situation and not feeling the least bit nervous. That feeling is the kiss of death. Even when you..re relaxed and confident, you still feel a nervous excitement. I was about to go in front of a crowd of 10 thousand people, that at this point, looked like the bridge scene in Apocalypse Now, and I was standing there with the same heart rate I have when I watch the food network.

I heard my name called, I walked out and I just felt the whole crowd at my throat. I can..t even describe the energy of this crowd. It seemed to be from another era. I felt like there should have looked out into the crowd and seen fuckin.. horses and little fires burning. The only thing missing was Genghis Khan riding up one of the aisles.

As I was walked to the mic, I was taking all it all in. And this is where it started to get funny to me. I was going to open with this joke about someone telling me that I was homophobic. But the joke has a slow build to it and to be honest, it isn..t the greatest opening joke even when I presenting it to human beings. As I took the mic out of the stand, I had this Fox News style debate going on in my head. ..Fuck that joke.. Fuck that joke... With the other side going, ..Nah, do the joke..do the joke....

I was listening to these thoughts, and at the last second, I called an audible, checked off the linebackers, and decided to do this bit about losing my cell phone. The only problem was, I started in the MIDDLE of the joke. I skipped the whole set up cause I was too busy looking for a Mohawked Tina Turner. When I was done telling the joke, it didn..t even make sense to me.

STRIKE ONE

So then I was like fuck it. I..ll do the bit about Hilter..s last name. That bit works all of the time. No big deal. But I forgot that Opie and Anthony had been playing the Hitler bit all week on the radio, So unbeknownst to me, I was about to do a bit that the whole crowd had already heard. I got to the first punch line and got nothing. I could hear Leslie Neilson going..

STEE-RIKE TWOOOOO TWOOO TWOOO

Now I..m racing to the next punch line cause I can feel it coming liking a fuckin tsunami. So I get to the next punch line and there was nothing AGAIN. Just as I thought, ..How is this not working?.. BLAM! The Boo..s hit me. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!1

Fortunately I..d been Boo..d before so it wasn..t a new sound. (First time I got Boo..d was in Vegas. The set ended with me being dragged off by four back up dancers and a midget dressed like Cupid. It was a Valentines Day Show) Anyway, because it wasn..t a new sound, it didn..t bother me the way it did the first time. What it actually did, was wake me up from the fuckin.. emotional snooze that I had been taking for the last three hours and fifteen minutes, when I first began resenting this piece of shit crowd.

So basically I snapped. The second I went off, I knew I was fucked. There was no way I could go back to telling jokes, but I also knew I wasn..t going to leave a second early.

So I looked down at the clock that let me know how much time I had left, and it showed ..12 minutes... And then I was like, ..Alright, what do these people love?.. I made a quick laundry list, and just started attacking each one. That..s basically how I was able to keep going. It was a combination of that formula, and blind rage.

If you haven..t seen it yet, the set is up on youtube.com. I..m trying to get as much of the set as I can. I would love to put it out on an upcoming DVD next year, as an extra. If anyone who reads this was at the show, and has a good copy, please send it my way."

Here's his myspace profile:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=11634307

 

Re: Stand up

Bill Burr inputed into YouTubes search engine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmLfz_cqoqw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8iyrCAuVB0

 

Re: Stand up

Hey, this guy is really funny /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif He died recently, or so I heard.

Tommy Tiernan , the Irish humor bomb is great as well /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif

I won't give you a link, but just try to find something by Umbilical Brothers, or even better, Robin Williams! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif

 

Re: Stand up

George Carlin, David Cross, Duncan Trussell, Brent Weinbach, Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, David Wain, A.D. Miles, Jimmy Pardo, Maria Bamford, Todd Glass... (all awesome live btw)

To name a few.

SF Sketchfest rocks.

 

Re: Stand up

Nice stuff, man. Thanks. I needed to read and see that. Makes for a better day.

 

Pablo Francisco

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3pmPUqTi9o

funny fucker

 

Vivid Video

I spent the last two years of my life on the road. I could have blown all the cash on drugs and whores, and then written a follow up tell all book: Theres no Hero with Heroin. My life as a road comic with a dirty little secret
The cover photo would be me, leaning on a mike stand in an alley. In the background there would be the right amount of White drug addicts sprinkled in amongst drug addicts of other races, so there would be no legal trouble. I believe the politically correct ratio for a negative photo is: For every 5 Blacks and Puerto Ricans, there has to be two Whites and an Asian.


That just reminded me of that awful movie Traffic. Why were those White kids going all the way into the projects with THEIR SCHOOL UNIFORMS ON, to get their drugs? You can get weed and coke in any town in America. If you want heroin you just have to drive an extra ten minutes until you get to a town with a boarded up factory. You dont have to go to locations that youve seen in a DMX video.
Not to mention, in the movie, they went straight to the drug dealers house. The second that Paris Hilton crew of kids rang the doorbell, there would have been 10 Crown Vics and a SWAT team flying up the street.


So anyway, as I said before, instead of living a life thats interesting to read about, I bought a one bedroom in New York City, for the price of a strip mall in Dayton, Ohio. I love everything about my place except for the kitchen. My kitchen is awful. It has these band aid colored cabinets, with inlays the color of a Slim Jim. And if that isnt horrific enough, I have a matching stove, right in the middle of this optical fuck fest. The kitchen is so ugly it makes my food taste bad.
I realized this on one inspired morning, when I made myself a 40 year-old Virgin breakfast. I dont know what go into me. I just woke up and was like, Fuck it. Im making waffles. I actually had sliced cantaloupe on the side, and a glass of OJ. It was one of those, Part of this complete breakfast, breakfasts. It was a masterpiece. But one look at that fuckin kitchen and I immediately felt like I was eating breakfast burrito in a dirty bus station. Thats when I realized how much the look of things affects my appetite.


I now know why I hate the Subway fast food chain. Even though its healthier than a McDonalds, the second I see those piss-yellow tables, Im done. Plus, I always think of Jared and all that loose skin.
Arbys is even worse. That shit brown sign, with the orange logo, it looks like the colors youd see in the finished basement of a deer hunter. They should just have a fuckin antelope head mounted on the top of that sign. How people can sit down and munch away on Roast Beef thats been sitting under heat lamps is beyond me. People who eat at Arbys would have no problem eating a fellow passenger after a plane crash. Theyd just grab a torso and begin dining, with that far away food court stare and a loop of Paul McCartney solo music playing in their heads. Theyre just a horrific demographic of human beings.
McDonalds and Burger King are for the Sun people. All the other chains are for those Escape from New York people who live in the subway tunnels.


So after saving up for a while, I finally have enough cash to redo my kitchen. The project began a few weeks ago. Currently, Im living in half of my apartment. There is a see-through plastic tarp that runs from the ceiling to the floor and divides my place in half. All the shit that was in the kitchen and dining area is now piled up in my living room and on the other side of my bed. Everything I own is covered in three inches of dust. My apartment looks like the outside of Fred Sanfords house. It sucks, but I have to do it so my food tastes right again.


I hired this Irish guy, who evidently, likes techno music, to redo the kitchen. His crew is doing a first class job. There are these two Slovakian dudes, whove been doing most of the work.
Being a comic, Im home during the day. I usually chill, and write jokes or whatever. Having people slave away, while you sit on a couch watching TV, a few feet away is a bit awkward. But nothing is more awkward than at the beginning and at the end of each workday.


For some reason, the Slovakian dudes leave their work clothes in the kitchen. I dont know why they do it, and they dont speak English well enough for me to ask, without me having to act out my question by disrobing myself.
Basically, at the beginning and end of each day, they change in and out of their street ware and work uniform. If they went into my bathroom to change it would be no big deal. But they do it right in the small dining area outside the kitchen, which is about 10 feet away from where Im watching TV. And the two of them have absolutely no shame. Couldnt give a fuck any less than these two. The lead Slovakian guy is the worst. Hell stand there in his undies, wearing a bandana, and just start talking to me, through the see-through plastic sheet, while hes changing.


Bill, Were going to be plastering the walls today so it will be a little dusty. It takes about 4 hours for the compound I just stare at the TV going. Yeah, sounds good to me. What ever you got to do.
Meanwhile the other guy is disrobing in the background. Its brutal. The two of them look like a deleted scene from Top Gun.


So the other day, Im hanging in my apartment. On this particular day I was waiting for the PC Richards people to deliver my new stove. I had received a voice mail from the store the night before, stating, Well be there tomorrow between 9AM and 2PM. Everyone knows that, that means they are going to get there at like 7PM. So the Slovaks show up, and Im watching TV. They arent there for more than two minutes and my buzzer rings.
I look at the clock. 9:02AM. And Im thinking, Theres no way this is the PC Richards guy. One of the Slovaks must have ordered food.
I go to the intercom to find out who it is, and low and behold, its the fucking PC Richards guys with my new stove.

So I buzz them in and I swear to God, as Im buzzing them in, the head Slovak and his ward, immediately begin disrobing to start the work day. I was like Youve got to be shitting me.
I was paralyzed. I just stood there, praying the Chip-N-Dale dancers would be at least half dressed when the delivery guys knocked on my door. No such luck.
Head Slovak is down to his bike shorts, and the other the guy is shirtless, when my doorbell rings. I cant fucking move. So head Slovak looks over at me, sees me not moving, and casually walks over in his FUCKING UNDERWEAR, wearing his bandana, and opens the door.


At this point Im just staring at the floor, looking like that kid at the end of the Blair Witch Project.
When I finally look up I see two black guys in PC Richards shirts, looking at the naked dude, then over at the other shirtless dude and then over at me like, What the fuck kind of freaky White shit is this.


Im trying to play it off, but its impossible. The two black dudes bring the shit in and they arent looking at anyone but they arent looking away. They are in full-on Michael Corleone mode. Nobody is really saying anything. Meanwhile the assistant Slovak starts taking his pants off and the sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor shatters the silence.
I want to be like, For the love of God, can you two uninhibited jackasses keep your fuckin clothes on for one fucking second, while I finish this fuckin transaction!


As far as I remember, I didnt even check the packing list. Those PC Richards guys could have delivered a stand up urinal, and I wouldnt have cared. I just signed the shit, gave them a tip for bringing it up and they quickly left.
So when I close the door, I turn around, and the head Slovak has on his overalls up to his waist, with no shirt, looking like the front half of a Centaur. If he pulled out a bow and arrow at that point, it wouldnt have phased me in the least.
Bill, we are going to be finishing the electrical and will begin assembling.
I wasnt even listening. I was imagining the PC Richards guys, talking in the truck as they drove away.


Yo wasnt that that White boy from I love the 80s?

Oh shit! THATS where I knew that mutha fucka from. Damn, he like EXTRA gay You see all that plastic hangin from the ceiling. Yo they be doing some nasty Eyes Wide Shut shit in there.

(12 second pause)

Gahd Damn, What the fuck you think they gonna do with that stove?

Oh thats fucked up.

-Bill Burr

 

Chris Rock on gun control

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2079937366

on Drugs

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2079941172

and on "How not to get your ass kicked by the police"

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=883166916

 

/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

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oh THIS nigga is just TOO FUNNY!!! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

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are u talkin bout his NEW stand up??? i have yet to see it! LINK! NOW!! please...

/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif

 

These guys are awesome! They combine stand-up with music beautifully. This is one of the funniest shows airing on HBO: Flight of The Conchords.

"It's Business Time" Live

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"Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros" Live

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"Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros" music video

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"She's so hot... BOOM!" Live

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Here's two more:
"The humans are dead" Live stand-up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGoi1MSGu64&feature=related

"Mutha Uckers" Music video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqxnm6t3QMw

Lol, how many mother uckers? Too many to count, mother uckers! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

 

I am going to see Chris Rock in April! yay!

 

Coo, Chris Rock is still one of the funniest comedians alive.

Here's Aisha Tyler. She is without a doubt, one of the funniest female comedians I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Oh, and don't get it twisted, I don't like her just bc she's hot, I honestly think she's funny... and hot <3

Aisha Tyler: Couples
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2085290134

Aisha Tyler: Tig Ol Fake Bitties
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=26088299

Edit: And here she is hosting the Late, Late Show.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=26180804

 

Mid-90's Chris Tucker stand-up where he talks about what if Michael Jackson was a pimp and a Black president in the White House /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

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And more Russell Peters /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8lEbiTJoMM&feature=related

 

Kat Williams on weed

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Kat on spanish people

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This whole stand up episode is good but i'd figure to just throw 2 at yall. If you like these you'll like his other ones that he does in the same routine/show and all his other stuff,

 

hey TONY!

ANGELA JOHNSON IS PRETTY FUNNY AND HOT TOO! AND SHE'S HISPANIC!!!

FINAL ACT IS KILLER! /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif Myke, you might like this one.

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Vid descrip: Jamie Foxx completely owns Doug Williams when he makes a lame attempt to be funny.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_L-gbpKZpo

This vid is hilarious, I almost felt bad for the guy until he said "These brothers start making money, you can't tell them shit." that's when I was like "Get im, Jamie! Get in that ass!!" /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

Btw, is this joke racist?
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XD

Edit:
Ey thanks, ThaFeucha, Kat Williams IS funny, lmao!
And Flash, that chick's funny too and she looks nuuooiice!

P.S.
Another clip from Emmet Smith's Roast, this time with Jeff Ross, this man is insanely funny.
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I'm seeing Eddie Izzard tonight. /forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif

I've been watching some Youtube clips of some of his skits redone in Lego stop animation. Enjoy.

Cake or Death
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Death Star Canteen
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